Love is probably the most spoken about subject in the life of men and women today. People like to establish relationships and have a happy life. Most men and women have their own idea or concept about marriage and the concept of love as well. We see in the 21st century most men and women are enjoying the companionship of one another without having any specific limits except for a few.
They have started their own ideology and culture of love and relationships. It has changed a lot from the time when people used to appreciate the concept of family, marital life, being a spouse, being someone who cares, having the concept of children and building up a solid foundation for society.
In Islam, the institution of marriage is still solid, in theory and application as much as possible but we see that so many people are drifting from that mainstream culture of family and married life to something that is new in society.
We’re seeing many young people delaying their marriages. They aren’t even showing interest in getting married. We see so many young people pursuing their careers. They want to define themselves. But most of them are trying to define themselves through individualism. They want to be themselves, build careers, have degrees and be successful in this life and so forth.
Even the concept of success has drifted away from the concept of family to become successful individually and unfortunately many people are falling short when it comes to their relationship with their spouse. So we see the other problem in marital relationships that is people are getting married but this marriage doesn’t last too long. Many relationships end up in divorce, estrangement and sometime unfortunately in murder. They simply snap out from the relationship and they end up being violent when dealing with their spouse.
What is exactly is happening to the people and the concept of marriage?
I would like to brief about the concept of marriage from an Islamic perspective. It has been summarized in one simple verse in the Qur’an where Allah is saying in Surah Room, 21
And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect.
We see that the culture in the 20/21st century has become the ‘body culture.’ Everything is about beauty. People choose to marry based on physical characteristics; not asking about what is beyond that physical appearance. There is nothing wrong, of course, in pursuing something beautiful as this is a sign of perfection in mankind as well.
But as Muslims we believe that marriage is a sign of perfection in the life of man. Therefore, it something virtuous to pursue in this life in the legal way of course! And from this verse our ulama have extracted that a successful marriage is based on two factors. LOVE AND MERCY.
Love is vital for a happy marriage but we also have (the oft ignored factor) of Mercy. Most marriages start with a loving relationship. Specifically living in this (modern day) culture we have so many people going for these ‘test drive’ marriages. And sometimes it is a drive-thru marriage. They just meet in a club or some casual event and all of a sudden they’re in love and they want to get married!
Where do we get these ideas of marriage from? Mostly, its from TV and fairy tales and so on. So the marriage starts with love, we see this in many situations and specifically in the life of celebrities, with so-called ‘loving relationships,’ which end up in divorce very soon after they get married. So what happened to that love they enjoyed before?
People have this feeling that love is permanent. They take it for granted, thinking it’s going to last forever. But once they begin their marital relationship, they realize that love is more than just a mere thought, or passion, or lust. That’s when mercy comes in.
So we believe that the love during marital relationships transforms itself into different degrees and shapes. It starts with passionate love and when the wife becomes pregnant the husband and wife become more merciful and more loving to each other. In a different way of course because there is something else in their lives that they are going to share together.
After they have that child, that love is split between all of them as a family. Now the father has another purpose in life besides being loving to his wife. Now he is ready to sacrifice and wife will do the same. It’s all about love and mercy transforming themselves from one level to another.
Unfortunately, most people are living this idealistic dream of a ‘perfect relationship.’ Contemporary studies have proven this form of relationship is just an illusion. Marriages are not always perfect. Expect to have ups and downs. The good times and the bad times. Times when you’re really upset and times when you’re extremely happy. All of these are expected in a natural marital relationship. But if people expect to have that ‘perfect relationship’ where its all about love, that’s when they see that the love is not there anymore and they go for divorce. Because there is no purpose served in maintaining this relationship. But if you think of love as action, that you need to do, that transforms into a merciful relationship, you can expect the marriage to last long.
Family life should be all about love and mercy. It’s not solely about passionate love neither is it solely just mercy. It is a combination of the two. And we believe that the best solution for the passions of people in this life is to respect this value. The value of family and the value of marriage.
As Muslims, we believe that there are certain guidelines that people need to observe in their marital relationships. When we say marriage, we’re talking about a contract. And a contract has its own provisions that both parties should honor and observe. We have rights and obligations. These rights and obligations are what men and women share in life. All of this has been stipulated in the Qur’an and the Sunnah of Prophet Muhammad and by studying the best example for mankind, we can learn how marital relations can be smooth, loving and happy.
It is he himself, the Prophet, who said: The best among you are those who are the best to their families and I am the best to my family. This of course is a recommendation for us to follow his perfect life as a model for mankind.
And Allah Knows Best
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